Watch off, laptop out, take off your boots
Swiping trousers for explosives and X-raying my flute
If the bottle’s too big you gotta throw it away
If you can make a bomb from liquids is a small one ok?
Buried a half a million tons of nuclear waste
But the worlds a whole lot safer now they've thrown away my toothpaste

The singer bathes in diamonds for a barbed wire diss
There’s no love lost in the city, just a furious hiss
Work the fans for pops and heat, Tweet storm ratchets up the tension
Stars with product to promote, and an addiction to attention
The Hollywood flames igniting on the set
A tempestuous romance puts the rumours to rest
Do they share a bed or do they merely share an agent?
The depth of their love measured in TMZ engagement

It doesn't really matter who's the face, who's the heel
Well you can cheer either side that's the whole appeal
But when life is kayfabe and nothing is real
They're number one

Spotmonkey TV star thrills the crowd to bits
The promises are hollow but they all chant the hits
Division, fear, suspicion feed the marks he betrayed
Shouting out distractions while he slips out the blade
Writes the angles, counts the takings and he knows he can't lose
Drops a pipe bomb, feeds the chickens, then he calls fake news
While nutters, spivs and charlatans are playing it large
Enjoy the popcorn and the circus now the carny's in charge

If you can't work out who's the face, who's the heel
And if life is kayfabe and nothing is real
Well, just keep on booing and soon you will feel
You're Number one

The 3am newsfeed really messes with my head
I need caffeine on a drip just to get out of bed
We're all part of the problem, petitions ain’t a solution
Watching An Inconvenient Truth, doesn't grant you absolution

Finding true love on the phone, and the new opium for the masses
is a billion twitter users all wading through molasses
Monkey hands over your ears to stop the domesday clocks' ticking
Just keep on shopping and just keep clicking

I can't work out if I'm a face, or a heel
But if life is kayfabe where nothing is real
I'll keep booing and cheering, thinking that I'm
Number one

When did everyone become a part of the feud
There’s colour on the mat and the crowd’s subdued
Going home and the payoff is we all get screwed
Come on

No it doesn't really matter who's the face, who's the heel
And life is kayfabe and nothing is real
So keep booing and cheering and then you can feel
You're number one

No it doesn't really matter who's the face, who's the heel
Cos it’s all fucked up, that’s the whole damned deal
But keep booing and cheering and then you can feel
You're number one

No it don't really matter who's the face, who's the heel
And life is kayfabe and nothing is real
So keep booing and cheering and then you can feel
You're number one

Who is number one?
I'm number one!